I will reflect more on it later on, but I just want to share a couple of things from my thoughts this week. I have had a big week of loss. A dear friend, no, brother passed away on this past Friday evening. He went in his sleep from how it appears, so there is some peace with that piece. He was only a few years older than me. We have been friends for going on 30 years. The entire experience from my view has been very eye opening on varied levels about where I am at in my life. I sought solitude during this time of process. I have learned a whole lot doing it that way this time around. I tend to take it all on and end up not being able to have my own process until everyone has come and gone through all of the craziness that comes up for family around someone leaving this realm.. It's often not pretty, especially when they went very unexpectedly.(although we all saw it coming to some degree) I have come to learn that even those in life who hold you to impossible standards are really only doing it to themselves in the end. They project your lack of self love as they stick their heads in the sand. I have been there more than once. I have spent a whole lot of time in my life people pleasing and doing what I was told out of a sheer desire to feel like I belong. Every single person who said, "Leaving is the worst thing you can possibly do" have all left me- well, except Hector; my love. I find it painfully hypocritical to complain about being judged,and than patronize those you are judging yourself. I will never ever live up to the expectations that have been placed. The reasons justify it in your mind but it is cruel. At the end of the day I am a creator. I need space to do that. I used to rush in with a save the day attitude, but not this time. I have had enough of chasing love. Those I really need will come to me. I will process by painting it all out, and let me tell you, it's big. I will do as it warms up in the studio this spring. I am overwhelmed with grief yes, I really am. But the inspiration of real feelings and justified emotion is in full force right now. Paint is the only way. I find that raw and torn open place is a treasure trove of authentic artwork. You will find me there....
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